Ladies and Gentlemen of San Francisco (and the United States). I will not take much of your time, but I wish to announce my candidacy for the office of Mayor of San Francisco.
There are many reasons why I have chosen to declare my candidacy to lead my adopted hometown into the real world. But first and foremost, I am fed up with the immoral and arrogant political machine in San Francisco and I am taking a stand with the intent to stop the nonsense.
Please note that my candidacy will promote the following agenda:
Helping small businesses prosper in this great city
- Promoting big business and encouraging other large corporations to headquarter in, as Herb Caen affectionately labeled San Francisco, “Baghdad by the Bay”. (note – Baghdad by the Bay mourned the 10th anniversay of Herb Caen’s passing this last Thursday, Feb.1.
- The right to a free parking spot for every San Franciscan!!!
- Minimizing the number of entitlement programs presently providing freeloaders with a free ride
- Building a state of the art professional football facility at the corner of Marina Boulevard and Fillmore Street.
- Decreasing the minimum wage for servers and bartenders.The savings will be passed to diners in the form of lower prices for entrees in SF restaurants. Also, a percentage of the newly disposable funds will go into a kitty earmarked for training servers and bartenders fundamental service techniques, such as “Hello, my name is Tom and I will be your waiter this evening” as well as how to count change from a $20 bill.
- Increasing fines for double-parked taxis on city streets.
- Also, please note that you have my solemn promise that I will not bed the wife or girlfriend of any friend, colleague, city official or business partner, especially if she has a chemical dependency. All other women are fair game.
For more information about my campaign, or to apply for the position of Campaign Manager, please contact me via email at email@example.com
Addendum – please note that the campaign is gainly steam. However, one key contributor has asked that I elaborate on a few issues pertaining to SF Pop Culture. Therefore, without further delay.
- Changing restaurant and bar hours from 2am closing to 4am shutdowns on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
- Building a Mt. Rushmore-esque monument celebrating the lives of Bay Area legends Carlos Santana, Jerry Garcia, Bob Weir and Country Joe McDonald.
- A statue of NYG Mark Bavaro carrying SFO’s Ronnie Lott and other members of the Gay Brigade down the green lawn of Candlestick Park on Monday night, December 1, 1986.
- The brand new pipe recycling plant to be located at the corner of Haight and Ashbury.
- My first free live concert, starring the children who were conceived during the Summer of Love.