I know you all think I am joking, but I need to let the world know of my deep dark secret. I do not make this announcement for my benefit, but rather for the health and safety of my infant daugther. I am the proud father of Dannie Lynn Hope, the lust child of the late Anna Nicole Smith and I.

One night in mid-Jan. 2006, I was in Salt Lake City for two days of unofficial business (aka skiing) and decided to take in a Utah Jazz NBA game. I scalped one seat (a no-no in SLC with the LDS) and my seat just happened to be next to this attractive, yet somewhat dirty-looking woman and her 58 year old spineless man who she would only allude to as “Prince”. We spoke during foul shots, then during active play, eventually into TV timeouts. At the beginning of the 4th QTR., I excused my to make my way to the concession stands to buy a JAZZ foam finger. When I was waiting on line, Anna Nicole came up from behind and asked me to meet her in Room 232 of the Dew Drop Inn, a little roadside motel just south of some strip mall (she liked strip malls). She said that the “Prince” ran out of his Viagra and that she needed some “play”. She explained that the “Prince” would be flying back to California to reunite with his lovely bride, who turned out to be none other than 1910 sex symbol Za Za Gabor. Therefore, privacy was not a concern.

No need to disparage the mother of my child and provide play by play, but rest assured, the kid is mine. After all, she was born without hair and mine is no longer.